The Mask of Competence
As product managers, we often find ourselves at the center of complex projects, intricate stakeholder relationships, and high-stakes decision-making processes. In these situations, there's an unspoken expectation that we should always have the answers, always be in control, and never show uncertainty. This expectation creates what I call the "mask of competence" - a show of unwavering confidence and omniscience that many PMs feel pressured to maintain.
However, this mask can be more detrimental than beneficial. It not only creates unnecessary stress for the PM but can also stifle creativity, hinder team dynamics, and ultimately lead to suboptimal product outcomes.
Below, we'll explore the concept of the mask of competence, its implications, and why embracing vulnerability is the key to more effective product management.
The Allure of the Mask
The mask of competence is seductive. After all, the mask promises security in an often uncertain world of product development.
When we wear this mask, we project an image of control and expertise that can be reassuring to stakeholders, team members, and even ourselves. After all, isn't that what leadership is supposed to look like?
This mindset is particularly prevalent in the tech industry, where the "fake it till you make it" mentality has been glorified. We've been conditioned to believe that showing any sign of doubt or lack of knowledge is a weakness, something that could undermine our authority or credibility as product managers.
But here's the truth: no one has all the answers all the time.
Product management is inherently about navigating uncertainty, making decisions with incomplete information, and learning as we go. The mask of competence is not only unrealistic; it's counterproductive.
Let’s break down why exactly the mask causes us to lose forward progress.
The Hidden Costs of Pretending
Wearing the mask of competence comes with significant costs, both personal and professional:
Stunted learning and growth
Increased stress and burnout
Team-wide suppression of uncertainty
Missed opportunities
Impaired decision-making
Let’s discuss each below.
Stunted Learning and Growth
When we pretend to know everything, we close ourselves off from learning opportunities. We might avoid asking questions or seeking help, fearing it would expose our "incompetence."
I've seen this play out firsthand with PMs I've coached. There was this one PM - let's call her “Sarah” - who was objectively brilliant at work but felt that she wasn’t “sufficiently technical.” She felt she needed to portray a sense of total knowledge, and she felt uncomfortable about “demonstrating ignorance.”
In meetings with engineers, she'd nod along even when she didn't fully understand, because she was afraid to ask for clarification.
The result? She missed out on crucial context and made decisions based on incomplete information.
It's like trying to build a house without a proper foundation - sooner or later, things are going to come crashing down.
But here's the irony: the moment Sarah started admitting when she didn't know something, her growth accelerated exponentially. She began asking questions, seeking mentorship, and actively learning from her team.
Her team was delighted that she expressed natural curiosity. And today, Sarah leads multiple technical product initiatives, ranging from payment provider integrations to rearchitecting entire platforms.
Increased Stress and Burnout
Maintaining a show of constant competence is exhausting. It creates unnecessary pressure and can lead to burnout over time.
Early in my own career, I was desperately trying to prove myself. I'd work late nights, weekends, always trying to be one step ahead. I thought I was being a "rock star PM," but in reality, I was running myself into the ground.
It's like trying to sprint a marathon - you might look impressive for a while, but you're going to flame out long before the finish line.
When we drop the act and admit our limitations, the pressure eases up. We create space for self-care and work-life balance.
And guess what? That makes us better PMs in the long run. After all, a well-rested, balanced PM is going to make far better decisions than one who's running on fumes and caffeine.
Team-wide suppression of uncertainty
When we always pretend to have the answers, we inadvertently create a culture where uncertainty is seen as weakness. This can have far-reaching consequences for our teams and our products.
I've seen this play out in countless product teams. I worked with “Jake”, a senior product manager at a well-known company. Jake always projected an air of absolute certainty. He had an answer for everything, never showing a hint of doubt.
At first glance, you might think this would inspire confidence in the team. But here's what actually happened.
The engineers regularly gave overly optimistic estimates, afraid to admit they weren't sure how long a task would take. The designer on his team hesitated to share early rough mockups, instead spending extra time polishing their work before revealing it.
The result? Jake missed critical risks because no one wanted to be the bearer of bad news. Jake’s timelines kept slipping because those optimistic estimates never panned out.
And worst of all, Jake made product decisions based on incomplete or biased information, because people were afraid to surface uncertainties.
It's like they were building a house of cards - it might look impressive for a while, but one gust of wind and the whole thing comes tumbling down. By creating an environment where uncertainty isn't tolerated, we set ourselves up for bigger, more painful failures down the line.
On the flip side, when we as PMs are open about our own uncertainties, it gives everyone else permission to do the same. Suddenly, engineers feel comfortable giving range estimates instead of precise dates. Designers share their work earlier, allowing for more iteration and improvement.
By coaching Jake to express his own level of uncertainty upfront, I saw that his team started to trust him more with their own uncertainties. His team started proactively identifying known unknowns upfront, rather than pretending that they had all the answers.
Certainty is often an illusion. Our job isn't to pretend we have all the answers, but to create an environment where it's safe to say "I'm not sure, but here's what I think." That's how we uncover real risks, identify meaningful mitigations, and ultimately build better products.
Missed Opportunities for Collaboration
When we position ourselves as the all-knowing PM, we discourage others from contributing their ideas and insights. This can lead to missed opportunities for innovation and problem-solving.
I once made this mistake myself as an associate product manager. I was leading a project to revamp our onboarding flow, and I thought I had it all figured out. I came to the team with a fully baked plan, because I knew that they were extraordinarily busy.
I wanted to save them the effort of having to flesh out all of the edge cases.
But you know what? That was a big mistake.
The team felt sidelined, and their enthusiasm for the project plummeted. They felt like they were just order-takers, rather than active co-contributors to the product. Worse yet, I missed out on their valuable insights that could have made the product so much better.
We definitely wound up building the wrong thing - and in our retrospectives, it was pretty clear that I should’ve left space open at the start for people to noodle on unresolved problems.
When we create space for collaboration, magic happens. I've seen teams come up with solutions that blow my mind, solutions I never would have thought of on my own.
Remember, as PMs, our job isn't to have all the answers - it's to create an environment where the best ideas can emerge, regardless of where they come from.
Impaired Decision-Making
The pressure to always be right can lead to rushed decisions or an unwillingness to change course when new information emerges.
I've seen product managers dig their heels in on bad decisions simply because they couldn't admit they were wrong. It's like doubling down on a bad hand in poker - you might save face in the short term, but you're going to lose big in the long run.
I once worked side-by-side with “Charles”, a PM who was leading a major redesign of our app's navigation system. Charles had spent months convincing stakeholders and rallying the team around this new design. But just weeks before launch, our beta testers reported significant usability issues.
Charles’s initial reaction was to dismiss the feedback. "They just need to get used to it," he insisted. "We've put too much work into this to change course now." He was so invested in being right that he was willing to ship a subpar product.
Fortunately, our UX lead pushed back hard. She presented clear data showing how the new navigation was hurting key metrics like time-on-task and user satisfaction. It was a tough pill for Charles to swallow, but he finally agreed to delay the launch and rework the design.
This decision was painful in the short term. We missed our original deadline, and Charles had to have some uncomfortable conversations with stakeholders. But in the long run, it was absolutely the right call. When we eventually launched the redesigned navigation, user feedback was overwhelmingly positive, and our key metrics improved significantly.
The bottom line is this: good decision-making requires humility and flexibility. We need to be willing to change our minds when the evidence demands it. Because at the end of the day, our job isn't to be right - it's to do what's best for our users and our product.
The Power of Vulnerability
So, if the mask of competence is so problematic, what's the alternative? In my experience, the answer lies in embracing vulnerability.
Vulnerability in product management doesn't mean being weak or indecisive. Rather, it's about having the courage to be honest about what we know and what we don't know. It's about admitting when we're unsure and being open to learning from others.
I’ve personally witnessed the power of this approach.
Back when I was tackling my 3rd or 4th PM role, I was leading a product team working on a new feature for our CRM platform. We were venturing into a new market segment, and honestly, we were all a bit out of our depth.
In our first meeting, I felt that familiar urge to put on my "PM knows best" hat. But instead, I decided to be vulnerable.
I told the team, "Look, we're in uncharted territory here. We don't fully understand the needs of this new customer segment yet, and that's okay. We're going to figure it out together."
The effect was immediate and profound. I could almost see the collective sigh of relief in the room.
By admitting my own uncertainty, I gave them permission to do the same. Suddenly, instead of looking to me for all the answers, they started bouncing ideas off each other. The brainstorming session that followed was one of the most productive and creative I've ever been part of.
This experience was an eye-opener. By dropping the mask of competence, I paradoxically ended up reassuring the team more than if I had pretended to have all the answers. It sparked joint exploration and ideation that we might have missed out on otherwise.
The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability
When we embrace vulnerability as product managers, several positive outcomes emerge:
Enhanced Team Dynamics: When we're open about our uncertainties, it creates a psychologically safe environment where team members feel more comfortable sharing their ideas and concerns.
Improved Problem-Solving: By admitting what we don't know, we open the door to diverse perspectives and collaborative problem-solving.
Increased Trust: Counterintuitively, showing vulnerability can actually increase trust. It demonstrates authenticity and humanity, which are crucial for building strong relationships.
Better Decision-Making: When we're not pressured to always be right, we can make decisions more objectively, considering all available information and perspectives.
Continuous Learning: Embracing vulnerability keeps us in a learning mindset, which is essential for growth and adaptation in the fast-paced world of product management.
That’s why it’s important that we push back against the popular misconception that “product managers should show no weaknesses.” By giving space for doubts, concerns, and risks, we create a more tightly-knit group that is better equipped to handle an ever-changing world.
Practical Steps to Embrace Vulnerability
Embracing vulnerability isn't always easy, especially if you've been wearing the mask of competence for a while. Here are some practical steps to help you get started!
Practice saying "I don't know.” Get comfortable with admitting when you don't have all the answers. Follow it up with "but let's figure it out together."
Ask for help. Reach out to team members, mentors, or other PMs when you're facing challenges. Most people are happy to help when asked.
Share your learning process. When you acquire new knowledge or skills, share how you learned it. This normalizes the learning process and encourages others to do the same.
Encourage divergent opinions. Actively seek out different perspectives, especially from team members who might be hesitant to speak up.
Be open about mistakes. When things don't go as planned, own up to it. Share what you've learned and how you plan to improve moving forward.
Create a learning culture. Encourage your team to share their learnings, both successes and failures. This can be done through regular retrospectives or "lessons learned" sessions.
Balancing Vulnerability and Leadership
It's important to note that embracing vulnerability doesn't mean abdicating leadership or decision-making responsibilities. As product managers, we still need to guide our teams, make tough calls, and drive progress.
The key is to find a balance. We can be decisive and confident in our approach while still being open about uncertainties and willing to learn. In fact, this balanced approach often leads to stronger, more respected leadership.
For example, you might say something like: "Based on what we know right now, I believe approach A is our best option. That said, here are the factors that I don’t have enough information on, which is why I’d like to hear other perspectives. What are your thoughts?"
Or alternatively, you can confidently state that you’re not confident. “I have 60% confidence that we’re headed in the right direction, but these kinds of data points would convince me to pick the other option instead. Any recommendations for how I can find evidence pointing in the other direction?”
This approach demonstrates confidence in your decision-making ability while still leaving room for input and adjustment based on new information.
Helping Our Managers Take Off the Mask
As we navigate our own journey of embracing vulnerability, it's crucial to consider how we can support our managers in this process. Interestingly, the mask of competence often becomes heavier and more firmly attached as our managers climb the corporate ladder.
The Weight of Seniority
For senior leaders like VPs of Product or CEOs, the pressure to appear infallible intensifies dramatically. Several factors contribute to this:
Increased visibility: Higher positions come with more scrutiny from a broader range of stakeholders.
Greater consequences: Decisions at higher levels often have far-reaching implications, amplifying the fear of making mistakes.
Cultural expectations: There's an ingrained belief that leaders should have all the answers, which becomes more pronounced at senior levels.
Isolation: As managers ascend, they often have fewer peers to confide in, making vulnerability feel riskier.
This increased pressure can make it even more challenging for senior managers to drop the mask of competence, even when they desperately want to or need to.
Why We're Uniquely Positioned to Help
As direct reports and product managers, we occupy a unique position in the organization.
We have a clear line-of-sight into our managers' needs and success metrics, while also maintaining broad visibility across various departments and teams. This combination gives us a distinctive vantage point from which to support our managers.
Our frequent interactions with our managers provide countless opportunities to observe and influence their behavior. We're there in the daily stand-ups, the weekly one-on-ones, the monthly reviews. We see our managers in their element, making decisions, handling pressure, and navigating challenges. This proximity allows us to pick up on subtle cues and patterns that others might miss.
Over time, we build trust and rapport with our managers. It's not just about the formal meetings; it's the casual chats over coffee, the shared victories and setbacks, the inside jokes that develop. This relationship forms a solid foundation for open, honest communication. When we've built this trust, our managers are more likely to let their guard down and show their human side.
We offer a unique perspective that our managers might not get elsewhere. We're close enough to the ground to understand the day-to-day realities of the team, yet we're also involved in higher-level strategic discussions. This allows us to bridge the gap between the frontline and the boardroom, offering insights that can be invaluable to our managers.
Unlike peers or superiors, we pose less of a competitive threat to our managers. We're not vying for the same promotions or trying to outshine them in front of senior leadership. This dynamic can make our managers feel more comfortable showing vulnerability around us. They don't have to maintain the same level of professional armor they might feel compelled to wear with others.
Creating a culture of vulnerability with our managers isn't just altruistic - it directly impacts our work environment and effectiveness. When our managers feel safe to express uncertainty or admit mistakes, it sets a tone for the entire team. It fosters an environment of psychological safety where innovation can thrive and problems can be addressed openly.
In essence, our position as direct reports and product managers puts us in the sweet spot for helping our managers shed the mask of competence. We're close enough to care, yet far enough to offer perspective. We're invested in their success, yet not in direct competition. It's a powerful position - and one we should leverage to create positive change in our organizations.
Creating a Safe Space for Managers
Here are some approaches to help our managers (especially those in senior positions!) process emotions and challenges more openly:
Lead by example. Demonstrate vulnerability in your interactions. Share your own challenges and uncertainties, showing how this openness leads to better outcomes.
Normalize vulnerability. Initiate conversations about the pressures of leadership and the challenges of always needing to have the answers. This can help de-stigmatize these feelings.
Offer a listening ear. When managers share their uncertainties or struggles, respond with empathy and support. Avoid rushing to solve their problems, and avoid asking them too many questions about how they plan to solve those issues. Sometimes, they just need someone to listen without judgment.
Respect confidentiality. If your manager does open up to you, be thoughtful and don’t rebroadcast to other people. Build trust with them and create a safe space for future vulnerable conversations. You want your manager to feel confident that you have their back!
Remember, the fastest way to break your manager’s trust is to have other people perceive your manager as “incompetent” because you leaked something that you learned in a private one-on-one with them.
Create "vulnerability rituals.” Suggest regular check-ins where you both share current challenges or uncertainties. This can be as simple as starting one-on-ones with a "what's your biggest worry right now?" question.
Provide specific feedback. When you see your manager embracing vulnerability in a positive way, offer concrete feedback about how it impacted you and the team. This positive reinforcement can encourage more of the same behavior.
By actively working to create an environment where vulnerability is valued, we can help our leaders, especially those in senior positions, shed the mask of competence and give them some much-needed relief and clarity. This not only benefits them personally, but also leads to more authentic and effective leadership throughout the organization.
Furthermore, it also helps to strengthen the bond between the two of you, enabling you both to move faster without worrying whether you’re aligned or not. When you both have insights into each other’s anxieties and worries, you’re both more likely to have clear action plans for addressing those concerns.
As their direct reports, we have a unique opportunity – and I’d even say a responsibility – to help create this psychologically safe space for our managers.
Closing Thoughts
As product managers, our job isn't to be the smartest person in the room or to have all the answers. Our role is to facilitate, to guide, and to bring out the best in our teams. And sometimes, that means being okay with saying "I don't know, but let's figure it out together."
Shedding the mask of competence isn't easy. It requires courage and a willingness to go against ingrained habits and cultural norms. But the benefits - both for ourselves and for our products - are immense.
By embracing vulnerability, we create space for genuine collaboration, continuous learning, and more authentic leadership. We reduce our stress levels and build stronger, more trusting relationships with our teams and stakeholders.
So, I challenge you: the next time you feel that pressure to know everything, try being vulnerable instead.
Admit what you don't know. Ask for input. You might be surprised at how it transforms the dynamic of your team and the quality of your product outcomes.
Remember, true competence isn't about having all the answers - it's about knowing how to find them, and being willing to learn and grow along the way.
Thank you to Pauli Bielewicz, Mary Paschentis, Goutham Budati, Markus Seebauer, Juliet Chuang, and Kendra Ritterhern for making this guide possible.
